Make time to visit the ill - Terry Pluto

By Terry Pluto, The Plain Dealer
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on April 05, 2013 at 8:00 PM

Most of us know someone who is sick or aging, someone who could use a visit or a phone call.

And, if we're honest, most of us have an emotional battle when it comes to actually connecting with that person. It's easy to be busy. It's hard to just sit still. And if we do reach out, it's sometimes depressing and frustrating because nothing we can do really changes the big picture for him or her.

Dan Dubsky sent me this email:

"My wife and I are both 59 and have been married for 37 years. We were high school sweethearts before that. About four years ago, [Joyce] was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. It also attacked her vision. I have been her full-time caregiver for the last three years."

Dubsky was a police officer who took early retirement after 30 years.

While he didn't say it, I know that visiting someone in his wife's situation can be a real challenge.

When my father had his stroke and lost his ability to speak, many of his friends backed away after a call or a visit. It was so hard to communicate, so sad to see what had happened to this once strong man.

But a few people made the effort. They played cards with him. They watched TV. They didn't see the need to engage in long conversations; they simply were there for a while.

And as a caregiver, those people truly were blessings.

Dubsky said: "My wife can't be left alone. She is suffering from paranoia and delusions. At times, she doesn't know me. I pray every day for God to give me strength to be able to take care of her."

He has reached out to the area chapter of the Alzheimer's Association in Beachwood, "and they truly are angels."

Each of us can also become an "angel" for someone.

Rick Huscroft emailed: "My mother has been institutionalized for more than three years with Alzheimer's. . . . I would find reasons not to visit my mom because I left so depressed after seeing her. But [last week], I sat with my mom (she doesn't talk much), held her hand and prayed.

"It was an incredible feeling. At the end I said to her 'I have to go' -- She opened her eyes and said, 'I love you' -- only God could have intervened to have her say that!"

Many years ago, I visited someone I had not seen in years. We were not especially close friends, but I had heard he was dying. I also had heard that not many people went to see him, and that he probably wouldn't do more than open his eyes and stare.

That happened for a while, as I told some old stories that involved both of us. He didn't seem responsive.

I asked if he was scared, and he nodded.

I asked when he had arrived at the hospital, and he whispered, "Friday."

I was silent for a moment, and he whispered, "Terry, it's bad."

I prayed with him and then left. He died a few days later.

I also have visited people who never did seem to know I was there. It was depressing, but I was still glad that I went.

Nearly every time that I've felt that tug on my heart to visit someone who was ill, it was the right thing to do.
Terry Brlas emailed me this: "My father passed away on March 21 at the age of 80. I had not seen him in a few weeks. I was going to wait until the following weekend to go visit him. But a voice told me that I had better go on March 16 instead of March 23.

"I was able to watch the Ohio State basketball game with him and speak to him before we had to ambulance him to the hospital. . . . He died a few days later from a brain hemorrhage."

Terry's email explained that he was so glad that he had that last day with his dad.
This column is not about making anyone feel guilty about missing that last chance to connect with someone -- I've done it. But it is to say that when the opportunity is there, we need to go.
It's good for them . . . and us.