All the Presidents Fall Guys - O'Brien (Plain Dealer)

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm very pleased to welcome you to our annual Federal Employees of the Year luncheon. We are here today to honor the people who get things done when the pressure's on.

You know, as the president, I get credit for a lot of things, and it's well-deserved. But the decisions I make are broad and conceptual. I leave the details to you, and to the thousands of people with whom you work side by side every day in cubicles across this great land.

Often during my administration, you've heard outsiders talk about "low-level" employees of our magnificent federal government. Now, let me be clear: I'm tired of hearing that sort of thing, ladies and gentlemen, because, frankly, I think it's insulting.
In my administration, no one is a low-level employee. Everyone is a decision maker. Some may think of the people in this room as anonymous bureaucrats, but I think of you as full partners in this presidency -- experts who fully deserve the autonomy they exercise.

In my administration, the drones don't sit behind desks. They fly!

That's why I never, ever micromanage. I consider it vital to the continued functioning of this administration that important decisions be made at the lowest possible level -- by the folks who, unlike me, have to live with the results.

Yes, you're far below Cabinet level, but I trust you guys. And if something you dream up doesn't work out, I hear about it eventually -- probably just read about it in the paper, like every other American who had absolutely nothing to do with it. Then we set about fixing it and learning from it, so you don't make the same mistake again.

So, please accept my deepest thanks for everything you do to keep me out of trouble and to move America forward.

Before we all take the rest of the day off because of sequestration, there are a few people I want to single out for special recognition.
Edna Dimmelfarb, come on up here. . . . Edna is a file clerk at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives in Phoenix. Entirely on her own initiative, she came up with the gun-walking program known as Fast and Furious. Now, don't look so surprised,

Edna. It's time you got the credit you deserve.

Next, I want to bring up Bill Farnsworth, from the State Department. . . . Bill's just 19 years old, right out of high school, and he's a messenger. It's his job to carry important notes from one office to another so they get into the right hands, right away. Back in September, after running his legs off carrying sensitive memos from State to the CIA and back, Bill took it upon himself to fix the Benghazi talking points. The next morning, on the weekly TV talk shows, U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice put her full trust in Bill's rendition of the events. No, Bill, you stay right here. We're taking some photos once everyone's on the stage.

Bertha Clark is here today, all the way from Cincinnati. Come on up, Bertha. . . . Bertha works for the IRS, processing applications for tax-exempt status. A couple of years ago, she decided -- all on her own -- to make sure that Tea Party and "patriot" groups were paying their fair share to support our great socialist leap forward -- er, I mean our great democratic experiment. Now, it might seem strange to some that an IRS forms processor could wield such power, but that's the kind of administration I believe in. Oh, my! Could someone get Bertha a glass of water?

And finally, I want to call on Joseph Fabeetz Jr., a student trainee at the Department of Justice. Joe? . . . You want to talk about patriots?

You don't need to look any further than this young man, right here. When Attorney General Eric Holder recused himself from the tough decision on tapping the phones of a bunch of Associated Press reporters, it was young Joe who stepped up and signed the order. I've got it right here. Your signature, right Joe? No, you don't need to see it again. You're the intern and I'm the president.

Folks, it's a privilege to stand here with these great American public servants. Without them, and many others like them -- people who don't wait around for orders, who ignore the chain of command whenever they see a need, who just go completely and inexplicably rogue whenever they get the urge -- my administration would not survive.

O’Brien is The Plain Dealer’s deputy editorial page editor.