Imagine : The Hillary Clinton interview you will never see

The Hillary Clinton interview you will never see

12 Comments

BY ANDREW MALCOLM

07/08/2015 09:16 AM

CNN is crowing about its 'exclusive' interview with Democrat Hillary Clinton, who's scheduled to inherit her party's presidential nomination next July.

But we've obtained exclusive access to the transcript of another Clinton interview, an unauthorized and mostly fictitious one providing unusually candid insights into her thinking.

Here are her revealing words:

Q: Thank you for taking time to talk with us.

HC: You're welcome.

Q: One of your opponents, Bernie Sanders, a confessed socialist, is surging in the polls and has a bumper sticker, "Feel the Bern." Are you surprised by his strength?

HC: You mean, he's closed within 40 points? Six years older than me even. Yeh, he's a real threat.

Q: Thousands of Americans attend his rallies.

HC: Thousands of Americans watch the Mets. I know you guys want a horse-race story. But I'm very happy where my campaign is and have complete confidence voters will make the left choice.

Q: The Democratic party under Barack Obama has veered sharply to the extreme left. Are you comfortable so far outside the mainstream?

HC: I will be by Iowa.

Q: What are your qualifications to become president?

HC: I was in the Senate, same as Barack.

Q: Many people say he had no qualifying experience to be commander-in-chief.

HC: Exactly. But look what we got.

Q: Ma'am, we wasted a trillion stimulus dollars, got the worst economic recovery since World War II. Our national debt soared. Allies don't trust us. Enemies play us. Racial divisions worsened. He lied about ObamaCare. Our military decays. The Mideast is in flames. Russia's gone rogue.

HC: I was his secretary of State for four years. I fought hard to get out of Iraq quickly and attack Libya for no particular reason. And now Gadhafi is gone.

Q: But your abrupt Iraq withdrawal spawned ISIS. And Libya is now a lawless, failed state with rampaging terrorist militias murdering Christians.

HC: Your point is? Fact is Gadhafi is gone.

Q: Other presidential qualifications?

HC: First, it's my turn. Second, I already know the White House layout. And as secretary, I traveled nearly a million miles.

Q: That's it?

HC: I'm also richer than Jeb.

Q: You'd be 69 on election day. How's your health after last year's head injury?

HC: I'm fine. I fell last year and hit my head.

Q: I already said you hit your head.

HC: Yes, I did. Thank you for asking. I fell and hit my head hard. I feared it was PTSD from my Bosnia combat day. 

Q: You seem to dislike media?

HC: You're a real Sherlock. Just ask the questions.

Q: How do you feel about raising the minimum wage?

HC: Hon, you can't afford my minimum wage.

Q: What about equal pay for women?

HC: I am absolutely in favor of equal pay for women. Equal pay for equal work. 100%. Unless the woman works for me.

Q: Let's turn to Benghazi.

HC: I don't recall that on the list of approved questions.

Q: What can you tell us about that awful night?

HC: Well, I remember I had to stay late. Ordered in Chinese. Kung pao chicken, as I recall. And iced tea. I love iced tea.

Q: Four men died that night.

HC: Yes, I saw that. Terrible tragedy. We arrested the videomaker.

Q: Where did that ridiculous story come from?

HC: I was tired. Barry was busy.

Q: But it wasn't true?

HC: That question wasn't on the list either.

Q: Polls show that after many years in public life a majority of Americans think you're phony, calculating and they simply don't trust you.

HC: Well, I don't trust those polls.

Q: The chairman of the House Select Committee says he's subpoenaed you over your private email server and illegally deleted emails.

HC: I've never been subpoenaed.

Q: He says you have.

HC: This is all part of a conspiracy my husband and I have endured for years. Right-wingers attack us over every little thing. They don't like women. They want to bar illegals from voting just because they're not citizens. As secretary, you know, I traveled nearly a million miles.

Q: Well, thank you, Secretary Clinton, for your time.

HC: You forgot something.

Q: What?

HC: The last question.

Q: It seems kind of frivolous after....

HC: Ask it!

Q: Mrs. Clinton, one final question: How do you feel about putting a woman on the $10 bill?

HC: I'm glad you asked. I would prefer the twenty because, like women, it's worth more. Ha ha. It's long past due for a woman to be on a bill again.

Q: Any nominations?

HC: I'll let others decide which portrait of mine they use.

Q: But the law says to be on U.S. currency you must be dead.

HC: Do the words "executive order" mean anything to you?

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